situeating

Instead of the usual resolutions:

1. Lose 20 lbs because you’ve turned into a Christmas ham.
2. Go to the gym (so #1 can be possible.)
3. Eat out less (because you’re broke and wasted money on yet another gym membership you’ll never use.)
4. Anything to do with “getting” or “keeping” a man.

Why not seek out the holy grail of food? Because really nothing about 1-4 sounds like any fun at all.

EAST VILLAGE
Momofuku Ko
[163 First Ave.] [No Phone.]

Because even if your fingers and luck are both on their A-game at 10 am to land you one of the 12 heavily sought after seats – there is still the $100 to pay for it (although with 10 courses and David Chang’s godly inventiveness it is really quite a good deal.) So start packing PB&J, save your lunch money, do some finger crunches (or bribe someone at Time Warner to accidentally shut off internet to everyone save you and Mr. Chang) and then please – take me.

ROVING
Mister Softee
[Various Locations.] [No Phone.]

After a failed summer ’08 chasing every truck that went through the neighborhood in hopes of the elusive blueberry dipped cone we will not accept defeat in ’09. Having been spotted on a truck at McCarron Pool but never materializing the hunt is on. Keep us posted if you spy the rare creation yourself.

WEST VILLAGE
The Waverly Inn
[16 Bank St.] [No Phone.]

Not that I think the mac and cheese could possibly justify a near $50 price tag – or the exclusivity that surrounds the Graydon Carter’s Waverly Inn. But perhaps they could just instate reservations so that we don’t have to read about it so much. And yes, you can just show up early, smile sweetly and hope that they’ll let you in – but is it even possible to enjoy truffle fries wondering if you’ve been seated in less posh “Siberia” section?

PROSPECT HEIGHTS, BROOKLYN
The Garden Café
[620 Vanderbilt Ave.] [718.857.8863]

Okay- so you have to peer through a window and closed gate to see if this restaurant is open (dinner only and subject to the owners’ vacations) which is slightly intimidating for a restaurant that otherwise is defined by its unassuming grace. Call ahead instead and gain entry to what is rumored to be one of loveliest – and more economical restaurants – at only $32 for three courses.

Dinner with the Ex. Whether it is for closure (or just to get your damn stuff back) you’re going to need a physical place to meet – and one that:

1. isn’t romantic
2. isn’t in either one of your neighborhoods (to save you from a too-close-to-home accidental hook-up)
3. and certainly no place you used to frequent as a “we”

Make nice and not out at one of these choice restaurants.

PROSPECT HEIGHTS, BROOKLYN
Franny’s
[295 Flatbush Ave.] [718.230.0221]

Not that pizza and wine at the ever-charming Franny’s can’t be romantic- but there are enough focus points: the bright room, the presence of families, to remind you that it doesn’t have to be. Concentrate on the pizza – the Tomato, Olio Verde and Sea Salt, and the Mozzarella, Garlic and Basil (unlike your ex) will never let you down.

LOWER EAST SIDE
Barrio Chino
[253 Broome St.] [212.228.6710]

Fantastic salsas, guacamole, tacos, mole and house-infused tequilas will put you in a much better mood – and the lively noise level will help prevent him from launching into a why-did-you-dump-me monologue. An added precaution: if your eyes do start to water- you can always blame it on the spicy habanero-grapefruit margarita.

WEST VILLAGE
The Spotted Pig
[314 W. 11th St.] [212.620.0393]

The in between meals meal is the perfect time to meet up with an ex- you have an excuse to look fabulous because of course you have plans after (and to be safe actually make plans so that he doesn’t turn into them.) And thankfully April Bloomfield’s in between meals menu includes the Roquefort burger to provide all the comfort you need.

UPPER WEST SIDE
The Mermaid Inn
[568 Amsterdam Ave.] [212.799.7400]

Hit up their classic New England fish fry on a Wednesday night and indulge in fish and chips, creamed corn, hush puppies and cole slaw. If the $18 price tag doesn’t make you feel better about losing your meal ticket – than the $2 PBRs will.

So you’ve scored a date with the online lady of your dreams only to wake up realizing you have pinkeye, a lazy eye, acne or some other mild deformity that was obviously altered out of your match.com profile. Slip into one of these dimly lit eateries before she has time to write you off without learning your personality is lacking as well.

PROSPECT HEIGHTS, BROOKLYN
Beast
[638 Bergen St.] [718.399.6855]

The dungeon-esq room and monsters on the wall will do much to soften your shortcomings. And the food will highlight your good taste. Enjoy inventive tapas categorized by element, excellent Spanish cheeses, and a thoughtful wine list. If you chance to spend the night (or strike out bitterly) you can always return for brunch the next morning where chorizo hash and a bloody mary will comfort you.

LOWER EAST SIDE
Suba
[109 Ludlow St.] [212.982.5714]

Head down to the “Grotto” dining room where you can enjoy highly crafted small plates and super creamy rice dishes a top a pool of water. If octopus is on the menu order it- while the tentacles may look like they crawled out of the moat beside you, the crispy suction cups and succulent interior will have both you and your date cheering bravery and its delicious rewards.

WEST VILLAGE
Camaje
[85 MacDougal St.] [212.673.8184]

What better way to trick a blind date than to actually blindfold them? This West Village French-American bistro does just that at their special “Dark Dining” dinners. And while it might be tricky to get the blindfold on before the introduction- the four-course meal will give you plenty of time to woo your date’s four remaining senses.

MIDTOWN WEST
Amalia
[85 MacDougal St.] [212.673.8184]

Enjoy cocktails and snacks in the dimly lit subterranean lounge D’Or. Or if you’re ready to confront your subconscious (and a bit more light) head upstairs for dinner at Amalia (aptly named after Freud’s mother.) There you can dine on Mediterranean food and avoid eye contact by gazing at the paintings mounted on the ceiling.