situeating

You swooned over his love of animals. And then realized you really missed eating them. When tofu gets old send your new boy packing. After all, a life without cheese (or pork belly, for that matter) may not be worth living.

HARLEM
Dinosaur Bar-B-Que
[646 W. 131st St.] [212.694.1777]

Ravage the flesh off the bone of first-rate pork ribs while your “date” imagines ghostly cries from the former meat factory. With an actual menu heading of, “pulled, sliced, and chopped meats” there will be no mistaking your carnivore intentions. Enjoy Texas brisket, a “big ass pork plate”, and pretty awesome chicken wings – and if you’re feeling generous throw a celery stick to your now just “friend.”

EAST VILLAGE
Momofuku Ssäm Bar
[207 Second Ave.] [212.254.3500]

Home to the whole pork butt, pig’s head torchon, offal and cauliflower that I am quite sure is probably fried in pork’s fat as well. The menu has recently been upgraded from “We do not serve vegetarian-friendly items” to “we have few.” But don’t be fooled, you’ll be in for a wonderful porky treat, and your date will be out the door.

GRAMERCY
Casa Mono
[52 Irving Place] [212.253.2773]

Pass plates of pigs feet, bone marrow, tripe and cock’s combs tapas style. And then pry the sweet corn out of his vegan grip to round out your meal. In the end say it just isn’t going to work out, after all, he hasn’t been very good at sharing.

WILLIAMSBURG
Fette Sau
[354 Metropolitan Ave.] [718.963.3404]

If the 700 pounds of meat coming out of the smoker doesn’t send him running for the hills he might be open to changing his herbivore ways. Your food will be served by weight and on butcher paper. Slather the sauce on, grab a beer, and toast to “fat pigs.”

Going out to eat with a vegan typically consists of them scavenging the menu for the one “vegan” item and then praying it isn’t sitting atop a giant slab of meat in the kitchen -OR- going to a vegan restaurant where you have to pretend that the soy-flavored-cardboard is a fair replacement for chicken fingers. Take dinner back at one of these haute vegan eateries- you’ll be impressed that the food is actually food- and they, overwhelmed by the sheer amount of choice.

GRAMERCY
Pure Food & Wine
[54 Irving Place] [212.477.1010]

With a lovely garden, a kitchen that doesn’t cook anything over 118 degrees, and a highly-crafted delectable menu of “raw” food- your date couldn’t be happier than if Thumper was sitting on the table sharing his meal with him. Dishes are prepared with blenders, dehydrators, and good old fashioned knives and whisks. Even the vegan desserts (which normally are more a punishment than a reward) impress.

LOWER EAST SIDE
Teany
[90 Rivington St.] [212.475.9190]

Stop in for afternoon tea for two and sample scones and sandwiches (such as a BLT with tempeh bacon and veganaise.) Additional offerings include a wide variety or salads, sandwiches, and an amazing gazpacho with avocado and mango. For an additional sweet treat head 3 blocks south to Babycakes (248 Broom St.) to indulge in delightful gluten, wheat, dairy, egg, and soy free cupcakes (that are remarkably awesome.)

EAST VILLAGE
Counter
[105 1st Ave.] [212.982.5870]

Toast organic martinis featuring house-made vodka infusions (from herbs grown in their rooftop garden of course.) The room is warm and chic and the menu is far from your usual crunchy-granola fare. The cauliflower risotto, tornados of seitan, vegetable b’steeya, and “burger” (wild mushroom pate) are favorites and with hundreds of organic wines to choose from this date could go quite late into the night.

UPPER EAST SIDE
Candle 79
[154 E. 79th St.] [212.537.7179]

Settle into plush seats and romantic lighting and eat seitan, quinoa, and tempeh until your heart is content. And while cashew “sour cream” on zucchini enchiladas is certainly not the same as the real thing- you and your date with certainly appreciate the attention paid to all the extras. For dessert hope the vegan nutter butter ice cream is part of that night’s sorbet and ice cream tasting.

For some people, a meal without dessert just isn’t a meal. And for others (apparently nursed on Karo syrup) a walk, a block, or a talk without eight small cookies is unbearable. Pacify them with one of the following quick sweet stops, which are sure to satisfy (at least for the moment.)

UPPER WEST SIDE
Bouchon Bakery
[10 Columbus Circle] [212.823.9366]

Oh the glorious, glorious “Nutter Butter.” It’s massive! It’s heavenly! And it’s apparently made with Skippy peanut butter (check out the recipe.) But yes, Thomas Kellar’s Time Warner Center bakery turns out some delightful treats. And the saucer-sized Nutter Butter is a perfect place to start.

LOWER EAST SIDE
Sugar Sweet Sunshine
[126 Rivington St.] [212.995.1960]

While the cupcakes are tempting (and justly so, they are delicious) once you have the banana pudding there is just no going back. So enjoy all the pistachio, pumpkin, and red velvet cupcakes you can before making the switch. There is just something so addictive about the combination of pudding, ‘nilla wafers, bananas, and cupcake parts that makes other treats seem less sweet.

EAST VILLAGE
Dessert Club (AKA: Chikalicious Puddin’)
[204 E. 10th St.] [212.475.0929]

Who doesn’t appreciate when fancy dessert gods tackle the common sweet? And while Chikalicious Dessert Bar has delightful mutli-course treats- it is their outpost across the street that churns out the perfect portable pick-me-up. Try the brioche bread pudding – it’s lovely.

UNION SQUARE
Wafels & Dinges
[14th St. & 3rd Ave.] [646.257.2592]

Just try walking past this dessert truck without giving into the wafting scent of warm Belgian waffles. Choose your waffle and your “dinges” (strawberries, whipped cream, nutella, dulce de leche, maple syrup, and chocolate syrup) douse with powered sugar and enjoy. Additional locations include Midtown, Williamsburg, and Fort Greene.

This is for the friend you almost killed during the forth of July fireworks because while everyone else said “ahhh” she said “strontium carbonate! barium chloride!” Impress her with some molecular gastronomy (she’ll like the phrase even if the following chefs do not) and prepare to listen to her gush excitedly as she dissects what lasers, chemical powders, flash freezing, and “glue” went into each course.

LOWER EAST SIDE
wd-50
[50 Clinton St.] [212.477.2900]

Wylie Dufresne’s cutting-edge cooking is what got New York in such a tizzy over beakers in the kitchen in the first place. But rest assured, he is certainly more chef than chemist and the odd combinations while head-scratching are generally delightful (popcorn soup!) Indulge in the tasting menu or choose your courses by ingredients that strike your fancy just don’t second guess if they go with what they are paired with (somehow, they always do.)

SOHO
Tailor
[525 Broome St.] [212.334.5182]

Sam Mason, former dessert chef of wd-50, struck out on his own blending sweet, savory, and all sorts of tricks at his soho eatery. The combinations may seem absurd (mango ravioli, mustard gnocchi, marrow beads) but when it works it really works. The pork belly with miso butterscotch is heavenly and the crumble cocktail (brown butter, rum, and cloves) almost makes me wish for cold weather.

UPPER WEST SIDE
Jean Georges
[1 Central Park West] [212.299.3900]

Executive pastry chef, Johnny Iuzzini, does way more than just cookies. Utilizing everything from sugar to hydrocolloids and whisks to medical equipment he creates such inventive desserts as rhubarb noodles and Meyer lemon flexi-curd.

EAST VILLAGE
PDT
[113 St. Mark’s Pl.] [212.614.0386]

Your friend may just have to change what she’s mixing after tasting Jim Meehan’s cocktails (bacon-infused bourbon, really? genius.) This secret bar is accessed through a vintage telephone booth in Crif Dogs. Even better, you can order off their menu- pair your cocktail with the Wylie Dog (complete with deep-fried mayo, freeze-dried onions, and tomato molasses) and thank your chemistry teacher.

So you’ve scored a date with the online lady of your dreams only to wake up realizing you have pinkeye, a lazy eye, acne or some other mild deformity that was obviously altered out of your match.com profile. Slip into one of these dimly lit eateries before she has time to write you off without learning your personality is lacking as well.

PROSPECT HEIGHTS, BROOKLYN
Beast
[638 Bergen St.] [718.399.6855]

The dungeon-esq room and monsters on the wall will do much to soften your shortcomings. And the food will highlight your good taste. Enjoy inventive tapas categorized by element, excellent Spanish cheeses, and a thoughtful wine list. If you chance to spend the night (or strike out bitterly) you can always return for brunch the next morning where chorizo hash and a bloody mary will comfort you.

LOWER EAST SIDE
Suba
[109 Ludlow St.] [212.982.5714]

Head down to the “Grotto” dining room where you can enjoy highly crafted small plates and super creamy rice dishes a top a pool of water. If octopus is on the menu order it- while the tentacles may look like they crawled out of the moat beside you, the crispy suction cups and succulent interior will have both you and your date cheering bravery and its delicious rewards.

WEST VILLAGE
Camaje
[85 MacDougal St.] [212.673.8184]

What better way to trick a blind date than to actually blindfold them? This West Village French-American bistro does just that at their special “Dark Dining” dinners. And while it might be tricky to get the blindfold on before the introduction- the four-course meal will give you plenty of time to woo your date’s four remaining senses.

MIDTOWN WEST
Amalia
[85 MacDougal St.] [212.673.8184]

Enjoy cocktails and snacks in the dimly lit subterranean lounge D’Or. Or if you’re ready to confront your subconscious (and a bit more light) head upstairs for dinner at Amalia (aptly named after Freud’s mother.) There you can dine on Mediterranean food and avoid eye contact by gazing at the paintings mounted on the ceiling.